Yes, a selfish person can feel love. Most do. The harder question, and probably the one you're really asking, is whether they can love you well. Usually they can't, at least not yet, and the reason is worth understanding. Because the opposite mistake, loving someone selflessly, fails too. The kind of love that works is the one Selfism teaches: Selfist love.
Why selfish love falls short
Feeling love and practising it aren't the same. A selfish person can miss you, worry about you, even cry at your wedding. Where it breaks is the day-to-day trades that make up a relationship. Who drives. Whose family for the holidays. Who gets to be tired tonight. Selfish means taking without weighing the cost to the other person, and every one of those trades is a place where that missing step shows.
Erich Fromm argued back in 1939, and again in The Art of Loving, that selfishness isn't too much self-love. It's closer to the opposite. The selfish person doesn't really respect themselves either, so they grab at things to fill the gap. Selfism says the same thing in plainer words: selfish people are empty, and empty people take.
What selfish love tends to look like
- Affection shows up when it suits them and vanishes when you need it at an awkward time.
- Big gestures, thin follow-through.
- Your needs get filed as "drama" or "nagging."
- Apologies focus on how bad they feel, not what it cost you.
- They remember what they gave and go vague on what you gave.
One or two of these on a bad week is just being human. A steady pattern is the thing to take seriously. And if you're wondering whether it's narcissism, it usually isn't. That's a clinical diagnosis and much rarer than the internet suggests. We cover where the line sits in selfish vs self-centered.
The opposite mistake: selfless love
The usual advice is to love harder. Be patient. Give more. Love them unconditionally and they'll come round. The book calls this the myth of unconditional love, and it's blunt about it. Between adults, love without conditions means love without standards: "you can treat me badly and I'll stay." That isn't romance. It's a lack of self-respect.
Selfless love also tends to run on a covert contract. "I'll give everything, so you'll love me back." The other person never signed it. When the payback doesn't come, the selfless partner turns resentful, and the relationship ends up just as lopsided as the selfish one, only quieter. There's also the saviour complex: falling for someone broken and believing your love will fix them. It rarely does. It mostly drains the person doing the fixing.
What Selfist love looks like
A Selfist loves differently, and it's the version that lasts.
- It's a choice, not a debt. A Selfist loves you because they want to, not out of duty or fear. That's why you can trust it.
- It has standards. "I love you as long as you treat me with respect and we keep growing." That sounds cold to some people. It really means "I choose you every day, not because I'm stuck, but because you're worth it."
- It's explicit. Instead of hidden expectations, a Selfist says what they need. "I need an hour to recharge when I get home. Then I'm all yours."
- It's two whole people. Not "you complete me." The book's equation is 1 + 1 = 3: two complete people who don't need each other, but choose each other, and are stronger together than apart.
- It starts with loving yourself. If you love your partner more than yourself, you'll give up your own life for them and slowly lose the spark they fell for. Stay whole and you stay worth choosing.
Can a selfish person become a Selfist?
Often, yes. The selfish person and the Selfist both put themselves first, so the distance is shorter than it looks. What the selfish person is missing is fullness. Once someone starts building their own life properly (their health, their work, their self-respect) they stop needing to grab from the people closest to them. That's the shift: from taking to overflowing.
If you're with someone selfish, the fair test is simple. Name one specific cost calmly and ask for one specific change. "When you cancel the same day, I lose the whole evening. Can you give me a day's notice?" Then watch the next month, not the next five minutes. And keep your own cup full while you wait. A Selfist doesn't put their life on hold to fix a partner.
If you're worried you're the selfish one, the fact you're asking is a good sign. Start by asking "what does this cost them?" before the plan or the purchase, and start filling your own cup in ways that don't take from anyone. And if what you've really been doing is giving everything and calling it love, the work is the same from the other end: stop pouring from empty.
How do you balance your needs with the people you love? The Selfist Score shows whether you lean selfish, selfless, or Selfist. About five minutes. Free. No card.
Take the Selfist Score →The book, Selfism: The Art of Being Selfist, has a full chapter on the myth of unconditional love.
Frequently asked questions
Can a selfish person love?
Yes, most selfish people genuinely feel love. Where it breaks down is in practice: everyday love is a series of small trades, and a selfish person habitually skips weighing what each one costs you. Selfism traces this to emptiness. People who don't respect themselves tend to grab from those closest to them.
What does selfish love look like?
Common signs include affection that appears when convenient and vanishes when you need it, big gestures with thin follow-through, your needs being called drama, apologies centred on their feelings, and one-sided memory of who gave what.
Is unconditional love healthy?
Between adults, Selfism argues it isn't. Love with no conditions means love with no standards, which invites poor treatment. Healthy adult love has clear standards, such as respect and growth, and is chosen freely every day.
What is Selfist love?
Selfist love is chosen rather than owed, has clear standards, states its needs openly, and happens between two whole people who don't need each other but choose each other. It starts with loving yourself enough to stay whole inside the relationship.
Can a selfish person change?
Often, yes. A selfish person already puts themselves first. What they lack is fullness. As they build their own health, work and self-respect, the need to take from others shrinks. A fair test is to name one specific cost, ask for one specific change, and watch the following month.